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1A Year Away From SyriaTaona Iray Lavitra An'i Siria
2Screenshot from video on the “Art of Syrian Children on Nat Mall” gofundme page.Pikantsary avy amin'ny pejy gofundme an'ilay lahatsary “Art of Syrian Children on Nat Mall”.
3This post is part of a special series of articles by blogger and activist Marcell Shehwaro, describing the realities of life in Syria during the ongoing armed conflict between forces loyal to the current regime, and those seeking to oust it.Ampahany iray ity lahatsoratra ity amin'ireo andiany manokana nosoratan'i Marcell Shehwaro, bilaogera sady mpikatroka mafàna fo, hamariparitany ny zava-misy iainana ao Syria ao anatin'ny ady mitam-piadiana misy ankehitriny eo amin'ny tafika manohana ny fitondràna sy ireo izay mikatsaka ny hanongàna azy.
4“I should have cried.”“Tokony ho nitomany aho.
5This is the only thing that goes through my head over and over again when I remember the little girl that was torn into pieces.” io no hany zavatra mandalo miverimberina ato an-dohako rehefa tsaroako ilay zazavavy kely rotidrotika.
6I don't know anything about her, and from her remains I couldn't guess her age, but I do remember how I stood there, distraught.Tsy mahafantatra na inona na inona momba azy aho, ary tsy nahavita naminavina ny taonany avy amin'ireo sisa tavela taminy akory, fa tsaroako tsara ny fomba nijoroako teo, sahiran-tsaina.
7I didn't wail as they were gathering the pieces of her.Tsy nidradradradra aho fony ry zareo nanangona ny sisa tevela taminy.
8I didn't try to help, I didn't do anything, not a thing.Tsy nanandrana nanampy akory, tsy nanao na inona na inona, na kely aza.
9My “stupid” body was insisting on holding things together, on acting “rationally”.Nikirizan'ny vatako “adala” ny hitazona ny zavatra rehefa hitambatra, amin'ny fanaovana zavatra “voadinika tsara”.
10Who among us can define what “rational” means, standing before a dead girl's body?Iza amintsika no afaka manome famaritana ny atao hoe “voadinika tsara”, eo am-pitsanganana manoloana vatana mangatsiaky ny ankizivavy kely iray?
11And I held it together.Ary dia nohazoniko nitambatra io.
12I didn't offer any dramatic reaction, of the kind I was famous for among my friends.Tsy nanao fihetsika hampivarahontsana aho, araka izay ahafantaran'ireo namako ahy.
13In fact, someone crying in the background really annoyed me.Raha ny marina, nisy olona nikiaka nitomany mafy tena nanelingelina ahy tany ambadika tany.
14Who dares to be sad in such a situation, I told myself?Iza no sahy halahelo amin'ny toe-javatra tahàka ity, hoy aho mantsy ny tenako?
15The only destiny of those who remain there is resilience.Ny hany anjaran'ireo tavela teo dia ny fizakàna izany.
16I should have cried then, but maybe today I am more resilient.Tokony ho nitomany aho izany, saingy angamba androany aho mahay mizaka kokoa.
17This is what I repeat to myself whenever the girl haunts me in my dreams, in my moments of joy, in my arguments about the future with the one I love.Io no zavatra averimberiko amin'ny tenako isaky ny tonga amiko amin'ny nofy ilay zazavavy kely, any anatin'ireo fotoana ifaliako, any anatin'ny resako momba ny hoavin'ireo olona tsy foiko.
18The future?Ny hoavy hoe?
19What happened to her future?Inona no nanjo ny hoaviny?
20It has been a year since I left Syria, maybe for good.Efa taona iray izay no nandaozako an'i Syria, angamba tsy hiverina intsony.
21A year of denial, guilt, grief and surrender.Taona iray nandàvana, naha-meloka, nalahelovana ary nilavoana lefona.
22Nothing of the hero is left in me.Tsy nisy maha-maherifo tavela ato amiko.
23Every part of me that my body was trying to retain in order to make it through the war and under the barrel bombs I left there, for those who might need it, and I totally crashed beneath what science would call “shock”.Navelako any, ho an'ireo izay mety mila azy, ny faritra rehetra amin'ny vatako izay noezahany notazonina mba hahafahany miatrika ny ady sy ny baomba, ary dia voatsindry tanteraka ao ambanin'ilay antsoin'ny siansa hoe “dona” aho.
24I don't know how sick of me it is to say this, but I was genuinely better off there, closer to death.Tsy haiko hoe marary hatraiza aho no hiteny tahàka izany, saingy tsaratsara kokoa aho tany, akaikin'ny fahafatesana.
25Joy was an act of heroism, a blunt challenge in the face of death, while here joy turns into loads of guilt and the unreal rumination of stories that used to matter with the same friends with whom we shared life on the edge of death.Tolon'ny maherifo ny hafaliana, fanamby mandratra anaty eo anatrehan'ny fahafatesana, raha eto kosa ny hafaliana lasa enta-mavesatry ny fiampangan-tena tsy hita maso amin'ny fitsakotsakoana ireo tantara izay zatra niarahana tamin'ny namana nifampizarànay ny fiainana teny ampamakivakiana ny aloky ny fahafatesana.
26Today we moved into living denial on the edge of our homeland, the denial that we are actually out.Androany isika misintaka ny fiainana ny fandàvana eny an-tsisin'ny tanindrazanay, ny fandàvana hoe tena tafavoaka marina tokoa izahay.
27Moving on was the only life there on the “inside”.Ny fisintahana no hany tena fiainana any, “ao anatiny”.
28Our presence there was heroic, inspiring, important, and we each thought that the fate of the entire country depended on us.Maherifo no nandraisana ny fisianay tany, namelona aingam-panahy, zava-dehibe, ary ny tsirairay samy nihevitra daholo fa niankina taminay ny hoavin'ny firenena iray manontolo.
29We departed and left our country with no support.Nanainga izahay ary namela ny firenenay ho tsy misy mpanohana.
30Outside we acted as heroes, but this role was no longer suitable for us after we'd uprooted ourselves from there, from occupied Aleppo and the various houses.Aty ivelany izahay no mihetsika ho toy ny maherifo, saingy tsy mifanaraka velively amin'ny tokony ho izy io anjara toerana io taorian'ny nialanay tamin'ny fàka niraisana tany, avy any Aleppo ilay tanàna voabodo sy ireo trano samihafa.
31But we insisted we still looked like heroes.Nefa nisisika izahay mba ho toy ireo maherifo hatrany.
32We were afraid of telling those who died that today, we are merely victims.Natahotra izahay ny hilaza amin'ireo maty amin'izao fotoana izao, tena olona niharam-boina fotsiny ihany izahay.
33I didn't write anything of significance for an entire year.Nandritry ny herintaona dia tsy nahasoratra zavatra mba nisy lanjany aho.
34I watched tonnes of meaningless television-I binge-watched all the seasons of Glee.Fahitalavitra tsy misy dikany efa aman-taonina no nojereko-tsy namelàko raha tsy hitako manontolo ny Glee.
35That was the beginning that didn't have the usual ending.Izany no fanombohana izay tsy niteraka ny fiafaràna mahazatra.
36The shadow of death accompanied me for too long.Ny aloky ny fahafatesana nanaraka ahy teny rehetra teny nandritry ny fotoana ela.
37I imagine my loved one dying in all the possible violent ways.Alaiko sary an-tsaina ny iray amin'ireo olon-tsy foiko maty amin'izay endrika herisetra rehetra mety hisy.
38I caress what is left of his body after being hit by a shell on New Year's eve, and I imagine if I had really lost him then.Izaho manafosafo ny hany sisa tavela tamin'ny vatany rehefa voan'ny zava-mipoaka ny alina mialoha ny Taona Vaovao, ary alaiko sary an-tsaina raha tena very azy tokoa tokoa aho.
39His presence right next to me is not enough to ease my deep sense of loss.Tsy ampy hanamaivana ny fahatsapantena lalina ho very zavatra ato amiko ny fisiany eto anilako.
40It was enough for him simply to go to another place for me to imagine the worst and start obsessing.Ampy fotsiny ho azy ny nandeha ho aminà toerana iray hafa ho ahy mba hakàna sary an-tsaina ny ratsy indrindra ary manomboka izay efa masaka tao an-tsainy.
41If I didn't hear him breathe while asleep I'd remember all those corpses that forgot how to breathe.Raha tsy nandre azy nifoka rivotra eo am-patoriana aho tsy mba nahatsiaro ireny vatana nanadino ny fomba fifohana rivotra ireny.
42The shadow of death accompanied me, as well as obsessions with suicide and the desire to follow those friends who had left us.Nanaraka ahy ny aloky ny fahafatesana, hatramin'ny famonoana tena efa masaka an-tsaina sy ny faniriana hanaraka ireo namana izay nandao anay.
43I look around me and I see so many heroes in my life slowly turning into ghosts burdened with worry.Nijery manodidina ahy aho ary mahita maherifo marobe teo amin'ny fiainako, lasa nivadika tsikelikely ho avelo itambesaran'ny ahiahy.
44We have coexisted with all sorts of destructive behaviors, from workaholism to alcoholism and other addictions.Niara-niaina izahay rehetra, niaraka tamin'ireo karazana fitondrantena samihafa tia mamotika, miainga avy amin'ny filofosana miasa sy ny fibobohana alikaola sy izay hafa azo niankinan-doha.
45As for me, I became addicted to the painful sense of guilt which frequently translated into wounds on my own hands, of which the scars are still visible on my left wrist.Ho ahy, lasa niakin-doha tamin'ny fahatsapàna hirifiry noho ny fiheverantena ho meloka aho, izay mazàna no mivadika ho ratra eny amin'ny tànako, izay mbola ahitàna holatra tavela eo amin'ny hato-tànako havia.
46When asked about the scars, I lie.Mandainga aho rehefa anontaniana momba ilay holatra.
47I lie because I don't admit that the hero is gone, maybe never to return, and was replaced by this new victim.Mandainga satria tsy eken'ny saiko hoe lasa ilay maherifo tato anatiko, angamba tsy hiverina intsony, ary ity olona niharam-boina ity no nisolo toerana azy.
48Imagine not believing in anything anymore.Alaivo sary an-tsaina ny hoe tsy mino na inona na inona intsony.
49Not the good or the bad of the human being, not the universe or its justice.Tsy izay tsara na ny ratsy amin'ny olombelona, tsy ny tontolo na ny rariny ao aminy.
50Freedom is a right that you wonder everyday if it was really worth all this blood.Isanandro ianao manontany tena raha zo tena mendrika ireo rà nalatsaka ny fahalalahana.
51Did the world become civil?Lasa sivily ve ny tontolo?
52Can we really drive change?Tena afaka hitondra fiovàna ve isika?
53Is the democracy that we dream of less important than we initially thought?Maivan-danja noho izay noeritreretintsika tany am-piandohana ve ilay demaokrasia nonofinofisintsika?
54Is it true that people really cannot make change if the dollar doesn't want it to happen?Marina ve fa tena tsy afaka mitondra fiovàna tokoa ny olona raha toa ka lavin'ny dolara ny tsy hisian'izany?
55None of the things you used to believe in are close to you; none of the people who used to know who you really are near you any more.Tsy misy akaiky anao ireo zavatra efa zatra ninoanao; tsy misy eo akaikinao intsony ireo olona efa zatra nahafantatra ny tena maha-ianao anao.
56Your family is gone and everything around you is strange and new and you have to adapt to it, even to your new self.Maty ny fianakavianao ary hafahafa sy vaovao ny zavatra rehetra manodidina anao, ary mila mampifanaraka ny aminao aminy ianao, eny fa amin'ilay ianao vaovao aza.
57And my friend at Global Voices sends me messages asking: Why aren't you writing?Ary nandefa hafatra ho ahy ny namako ato amin'ny Global Voices manontany hoe: Maninona ianao no tsy manoratra?
58And I'm ashamed to tell her that I quit writing.Ary menatra aho hilaza aminy fa nilaozako ny fanoratana.
59I left it there with everything else.Navelako any toy ny zavatra hafa rehetra.
60However, and since I decided to seek help, I confess today-and for the first time publicly-that I regularly take antidepressants these days.Na izany aza, ary hatramin'ny nitadiavako fanampiana, mibaboka aho androany-ary sambany no imasom-bahoaka-fa mandray tsy tapaka fanafody miady amin'ny rarin-tsaina aho nandritra izay fotoana izay.
61I chase away all thoughts of death, to the extent that a Syrian possibly can.Miezaka manilika izay eritreritra rehetra momba ny fahafatesana, araka izay mety ho vitan'ny Siriana iray atao.
62I'm reconnecting with friends and I'm embracing the victim that is me.Miverina mifandray amin'ireo namako ary manaiky ilay izaho niharam-boina ato anatiko.
63I pity her, love her, pray for her to gain strength and patience, and most importantly to gain forgiveness.Malahelo azy aho, tia azy, mivavaka ho azy mba hahazo hery sy tanjaka ary faharetana, ary ny tena zava-dehibe indrindra mba hahazo famelàna.
64I try to sort the pieces of me back into place, hoping that in doing so I'll remember where my fingers were, so I can write again.Miezaka mifantina ireo singa rehetra tamiko aho mba hamerenana azy ireny ho amin'ny toerany, amin'ny fanantenana fa ny fanaovana izany dia hampahatsiaro ahy ny toerana nisy ny rantsan-tànako, ary dia ho afaka hanoratra indray aho.